On parenting

Just about every adventure in parenting, I suspect, is a referendum on one's own parents, barring those rare experiences of near perfect parents and stellar parent-child relationships.  No less is this true with my own experiences.  And while I certainly don't have the grave grievances some unfortunate children grow up with (no sexual or drug abuse, emotional abuse was perhaps slightly above average but nothing out of the ordinary for most families, and physical abuse I limit to only a few specific times I was spanked, not all.)  But there are some very lasting, negative effects of the choices they made that I do not want to repeat with my own child.

Kyle and I were searching for some paperwork when I stumbled across my old school records.  I think I'd seen it before, but for whatever reason, it struck a nerve moreso this time than ever before.  It was attached to my final sixth grade report card, an evaluation on my participation in the Gifted and Talented program, which I had been in for the prior two years.

"A good student to have in class.  She is chronologically and socially "young".  Organizational skills need work.  Strong deductive reasoning skills."

My teacher, Mr. Akers, had written this about me, and I have no doubt exactly to what he was referring to.  The chronological youth refers to the fact that I am a December birth, and at the time, Rhode Island school cut-off was 12/31.  It's why Kyle, Connecticut-born, is almost a month older than me, but graduated a year after. Socially young refers to the fact that at about this time, it was becoming more clear that I had zero friends.  It wouldn't be till next year that I really hit my low point, but it was obvious here too.

Excuse me for being dramatic, but reading this brought me to a silent sadness.  This was a tragedy in slow motion. At times I refer to myself as a failed extrovert. in that naturally, I am extroverted, but have often found myself, by my own hand, forced into introversion through an inability to connect with other people.  I've since developed some of the skills I need to be charming in limited spans of time (my profession requires it actually, and the fact that my boss told me "you seemed like extension [education/outreach profession] folk." about my interview for the job indicates that this is not solely my own opinion.)

But I still have always had this specter over me.  That secretly nobody likes me.  They are just appeasing me for now because they feel bad for me.  It doesn't matter how many times I meet up with friends, no matter how reassuring myself or others are to me about the nature of our relationships, a tiny voice in the back of my head makes me doubt it all.  And during those low times in my life when it has seemed like nobody was around, that voice becomes a yelling lion.

It's a severe lack of confidence.  And this started here.  A negative feedback loop where I'd fail to connect socially, lose confidence, which would make it even harder for me to connect socially, which would make me lose more confidence, etc.

So what do you do with a kid who is academically bright, but socially immature?
(Here's a start.  Don't use the word "immature" to describe your child at every possible altercation.  It's pretty useless.  It provides no specific path to improvement like, "Try approaching people who share your interests" or "Don't say mean things".  What kid goes around thinking "shall I be mature today, or immature?" And it ends up just being a personal attack. Thanks Dad. - rant over)

My parents asked me on more than one occasion if I wanted to be / I thought I should have been held back a grade.  Of course as a child my answer was no.  Why?  Because kids "know" that if they are being held back, it is because they are stupid.  Who wants to go on the record as being stupid?

And honestly, being held back without some larger strategy might not have worked anyway.  After 3 years of Montessori Preschool, public school was already not academically challenging enough in elementary - and contributed to me being lazy since I didn't have to work hard for grades early on.  And I am fairly sure, as #2 of 4 kids, who ended up not even being the biggest failure of us all, my parents were not going to put in the effort and attention I really needed at the time.

I ask myself this because as I look at my daughter Eiger, I keep a watchful eye for her to display some of the childhood characteristics I did.  I feel like I am walking a tight line.  If she is like me, I want to be there to support her full on where she needs it, to avoid the negative impacts of 6.5 solid years off not having friends when she requires social interaction.  If she is not like me though, but I interpret her to be more like me, then I also run into dangerous territory.  Overcompensation for the actions of their own parents, I suspect, is also a hallmark of new parents.  It is my hope that Kyle's presence will be a mediating influence on my capacity to overcompensate.

But to not address Eiger's troubles like my parents' didn't address mine is truly a possibility that should be crushed.  I suffered some severe depression in addition to the life-long shakey self-confidence.  Tried to commit suicide once.  Lost interest in doing school work, which meant in spite of my smarts, my grades suffered.

I don't think they ever made that connection.  The organizational skills my teacher referred to were a symptom of my social isolation, not a concurrent problem.  I have vivid memories of coming home and being so unwilling to address homework because I needed escape from the depression I was experiencing during the academic day.  Staying up late playing computer games was literally the only way I could stop feeling shitty about myself, especially before high school when I participated in sports. (A strong desire for escapism is trait I still possess!  Thank you video games and fantasy novels).

What will I do if Eiger is like me?  I don't know that answer quite yet.  It will depend on the specifics, but it will likely involve a big time and effort commitment on my part, which I plan to invest if need be. 

What would I have done if as an adult now, I had the ability to choose for the child me?  I needed a fresh start, with supportive parents.  Which probably would have meant being held back a grade, but with the necessary caveat that either my stay-at-home mother would have needed to partially home school me to keep me academically challenged (instead, she just threw workbooks at me and told me to sit down and do them while she was busy with other things.  Of course, I didn't.) or look for a supplementary programs for the same effect.  Maybe take a pro-active stance with the school to try to design a program where some of the work I did matched or exceeded my academic grade while I was grouped with my social grade.  Possibly try to get me enrolled in another school.

But doing what essentially amounted to nothing, (a few trivial things here and there like workbook throwing and threats to take me to a psychologist), and instead becoming increasingly hostile when the child expresses their unhappiness by acting up, was the worst way to address this problem.  It was a guaranteed way to make things worse.  Whatever I do with Eiger, my plan, though I have no illusions that it will be difficult, will be to address it with patience, love, and an attempt at understanding.