“I’m never going to get out you know. Yesterday is the same as tomorrow, and the life you know today isn’t much different either. What will change between now and your fantasized day of departure? Do we suppose perhaps one of these days one of these same people we see everyday will impart us with some terrifying knowledge, the answer to some mystifying riddle that has been the mess you call your life? Or do we think even that one day fate will just smile on me, placing in our path someone new, a new stranger, who starts by feebly trying to say something in my native tongue, but who then grows into a new and dear friend. Perhaps they will be able to change our situation in a way that you yourself cannot even fathom now. Perhaps they will be your ticket out of here.
Or do I think our efforts will get you out of here? Do I actually think we are in any position to improve your situation? Look at us! We are far away in mind and body from anybody who knows or cares about you. Your existence in their world is a shallow memory laminated by the sentiment that they always knew you would end up leading a different life. Even as we struggle, some think of you proudly. They live their happy comfortable lives, and are still able to gossip about their wayward relation who is out there in the jungle, at the edge of civilization, living amongst exotic peoples with strange customs.
Not that it matters of course, since nobody who knows or cares about you really cares anyway. If you inspired pride in some, you garnered loathing, or worse, pity from most others. You knew what you were doing when you left. You never fit in at home. You were always the black sheep. You were always the oddball. There is a reason why we are here, among so many people who don’t understand us or our culture. It is because we don’t much understand us or our culture yourself.
And these days that drag on. Wake up. Work. The dull rhythm of life outlasts any spark of panic this mind can fabricate. Do you know why that is? Because tomorrow is always a new day. Because emotions change like the wind. They are fickle, they are more random than we give them credit for, and they are completely incomprehensible to the person we will be tomorrow. So have a bad day today, don’t worry, tomorrow will be better. The sun will rise again and breathe new life into a body we thought devoid of it.
Don’t worry. Yesterday we panicked, but physical limitations didn’t let us panic forever. Eventually we had to sleep, we had to eat, we had to bathe and breathe. We had to take myself out of that existence, out of that moment in time where this life was not livable. Our moping was interrupted by bowel movements. Our tears ceased and were dried accidentally by our shirt when we lifted it to apply deodorant. Daily life upgraded our status, saved our sanity, killed the sharp pain in our heart that burned for you to escape what you considered unbearable.
You envy the antelope we see on those nature shows, desperately running from the jaguar. They are faced with a moment between life or death, and their instant physiological response is to live. If the effort to run faster than that predatory cat lasted longer than a few moments, rationality would have time to set in. Acceptance, perhaps, resignation to meet one’s fate as the dinner of one very hungry feline, might cross the mind of the antelope.
Yes, perhaps I am being harsh. So in the meantime, make excuses. Today we are tired. Last night we were up far too late, and this morning we had to rise early. Tomorrow we will think of how to get out of this cage. Hold that thought of misery just for now. An hour or two later, after work, after dinner, after the mindless existence we deserve to have for a few hours every night that we refer to as relaxation, unwinding from the day, then we will resume feverish despair.
And anyway, nothing can be done right now. It is too cold in this place. We are doing the best we can with the resources we have at our fingertips, but getting up would mean getting out from under the warm kotatsu. My lips would turn blue, my teeth would chatter uselessly and we would not be able to concentrate on anything besides how to retain the warmth of life.
But this mind cures all. This mind saves us with the gift of daily life.
So do not worry. If our pulse starts to race, if our breath shortens, you know what to do. If you feel helpless, for even one moment, and you think you might fall into pressure and despair, when you think nobody is looking, lift up the blanket just for a moment, lest we let too much cold air in. Slip my hands into that warm haven, and let my fingers loose the chill to their touch. Make your way to my belt and pull it out from under the loop. Take the spokes out of the holes that keep my belt tight enough, and unclasp the buckle.
Undo the button of my pants and pull down the zipper. Reach in and do not give us the opportunity to dwell on anything any further. When you think nobody is listening, let the sounds of your panting and replace the sounds of helpless tears. This is how we deal with life. This is how we maintain normalcy and stability.”
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